


An Imaginarium in the Blue, Blue Sky

by Judopixie



Category: Colditz (1972)
Genre: Depression, Even Mohn has feelings, F/M, Graphic Description, Hallucinations, Miscarriage, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prison, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-27
Updated: 2015-05-27
Packaged: 2018-04-01 12:45:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4020295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Judopixie/pseuds/Judopixie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After 10 years as a POW Horst Mohn gets married and has a daughter. This is how well it turns out for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Imaginarium in the Blue, Blue Sky

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so just to clarify Crimson wrote the bulk of this as a prompt from me, thank you very much Crimson, and I wrote the very last scene. Enjoy!

An Imaginarium in the sky

 

It was claustrophobic, the first time he found himself in a padded cell with four walls and narrow bars on the door and on the window. It was not only humiliation he had to get used to, they strip you naked and search you for any threatening objects if you ever angrily shout that you're going to commit suicide, even though you might not mean it. It was the lack of contact with someone else that nearly drove him mad. The first time he tried to contact another prisoner while awaiting trial in a prison in Edinburgh they gave them bread and water instead of the regular meal for two days.

 After his trial when he was sent to a prison (in Scotland somewhere, he believed, though he couldn't be sure), he had accepted his fate and would look down and avert his gaze to not give the guards any excuse. Ten long years of minimal contact with another human being is enough to drive you mad. Somehow, even the guards would refuse to talk to him, when he asked a question, and would refer to him as 'that Nazi'. The court case had revealed that he had been on Hitler's personal staff, reputations spread quickly in a prison. He remembered being interrogated for several hours, they mostly asked the same questions over and over again till his head hurt. Had he been involved in so and so incident which had taken countless lives? Had he ordered any killings in his role on Hitler's staff? His role in Colditz as second in command came under consideration too, though nobody from the British prisoners came to give evidence. He had rather hoped to see Simon Carter there, giving evidence of his mistreatment. Simon was their escape officer and he hated Horst, with a passion.

Horst sighed, it was nothing personal against any prisoner, he was just trying to do his job. Still the case was solid against him and part of him knew that he probably slightly deserved some of it. That's why he had tried to escape from the castle even though he felt it was dishonourable. He  had not escaped very far. His stomach problems and his worsening health made him move slower than he wanted to and he was taken prisoner just as he was making for the Swiss border, in a bitter irony that O Flag 4C inhabitants would have understood. His years in Colditz as second in Command felt like a blur to him, something blotted out deliberately by his brain, something he wished to forget but some memories were resistant.

 Ten years the judge ruled,  eager to set examples of anyone in power in old Germany, even though Horst had not killed anyone. Ten years, how simply he said it and he was locked up and called 2254 instead of Horst and denied human contact and left to his own thoughts and nightmares, day after day, except for one hour when they would be let out in the exercise yard to stretch themselves. The guards were not harsh, they treated prisoners well although he had heard some horror stories as well in other prisons around the country.

There was nothing except boredom. Ten years of inescapable boredom, left alone with his thoughts. After a few years they let the prisoners on good behaviour borrow books from the library. Horst had started taking an interest in that privilege by taking books out on Chess and trying to play the game by drawing the chess board on the wall with the edges of a sharp stone. Once the guards knew he liked playing chess they allowed him to have a chess board in his cell and he would play chess for hours at a stretch by himself. It was better than thinking about Stalingrad and Crete all time.

Horst was staring into space with a vacant look on his face and his hand on the sofa when Anna found him. 'Horst what are you thinking?' she asked. Mhairi was tugging at his trousers. He looked down at the blue eyes staring at him and that soft black hair tied up in a little ponytail and smiled. He picked her up and carried her around the room to where Anna was warming the dinner in the kitchen.

'Nothing,' he lied. His prison experiences were not something he wanted to bring up in conversation. He didn't know why he had suddenly started thinking about prison. He had married Anna and had been blessed with the sweet little angel Mhairi, whom he loved dearly. He helped Anna set the table while Mhairi snuggled against his shoulder.

                                                                                                ***

'It's delicious.' Horst said smiling rolling up the spaghetti on his fork as Anna spent half her time feeding Mhairi mushy carrots and peas while taking bites of the food herself in between.

Anna smiled back at him.

'I'm going to be late tomorrow. I have an interview for a second job. I've asked Mrs. Amsel to come round tomorrow to watch Mhairi but I don't want you to worry in case I'm not back by dinner. I'll leave dinner in the fridge and Mrs Amsel will warm it up if you're busy.'

'Dammit it Anna,' Horst smacked his hand rather forcefully on the table, 'We've been through this. You don't need to get a second job. I'll get a new job. I've got some places I'm thinking of applying.'

'Horst, you lost your last job because helicopters suddenly flew overhead and you told everyone to take cover, they were going to drop bombs. That wasn't all, when the construction started nearby you made a temporary shelter by upturning tables and asked everyone to take cover from the bullets.' She gently stroked his hand, 'Honey, the doctor agrees. You need some time to rest.'

'What does the doctor know?' Horst withdrew his hand with a jerk, 'He couldn't find anything wrong with me anyway. There's nothing wrong with me. Sometimes it feels like I'm back at Crete or Stalingrad but I'm dealing with it. I'm telling you, I'll get a job, you don't need a second job. Mhairi needs her mother, you're away all the time.' He said this angrily causing Mhairi to cry.

Anna took Mhairi in her arms, 'Hush baby, daddy didn't mean to shout at you. He's angry at Mama but it's alright.'

She gently rocked Mhairi until she calmed down.  After dinner was over and the plates were cleared. She started rummaging in her wardrobe and taking out dresses. Horst went up to her and started messaging her shoulders from behind and kissing them.

'Horst, not now,' She told him.

'What are you doing?'

'I'm selling some of my old dresses. Some of the ones that mother owned were really quite pretty with lace and ruffled sleeves. They're a bit out of fashion but they can be altered. They're worth some money at least.'

'Anna, we're not that poor. You don't have to sell these. I know how fond you are of them, especially of the ones your mother used to wear.'

'Yes we are Horst. We are poor. It hasn’t always been easy after the war to make ends meet. You were a prisoner for 10 years, you don't know how bad the situation was. It still hasn't improved much. We can barely afford the rent and the basic necessities on my salary and then there's the doctor's appointments for you. You don't have a job. We can't go on living forever like this.'

'As if it was my fault.' Horst said colour rising in his pale cheeks.

'I know that it wasn't honey. I'm just looking out for the future. Mother doesn't need these dresses anymore now that she's dead and buried. I don't need them, they're too pretty and remind me of the old days, the old Germany. '

Horst didn't say a word. He went to their bedroom, opened a locked drawer and took out something and put it in his pocket. He threw it on top of the red dress with the gold lace that Anna was trying to pack into a box.

'Here sell this too.' He said.

Anna looked at it. It was a shiny silver medal attached to a red and black piece of cloth.

She had tears in her eyes. 'Horst, that's your medal from the war, I can't take it.'

'Why not? I don't need it. It's silver too. Somebody could melt it down. They might give you some money for it.'

Horst, the money isn't going to be enough to what it's actually worth to you. It's for your bravery, it's for the fact that you almost died fighting in the war. I can't take it.'

Take it Anna, please.' His cheeks were pallid and his voice had sunk to a whisper.

Anna came to him and gave him a hug from behind. She rested her head on his shoulders. 'We're going to make it Horst. Don't worry. We're going to be fine.'

'Where's Mhairi?' He asked.

'Sleeping like the little angel she is.'

'I'm going out to the pub.'

'But Horst, you don't drink?'

'There's a billiard table there. I can pass the time. I need to get out of the house, get some fresh air.'

He left and the door slammed behind him. Anna continued packing up the clothes with tears in her eyes.

Anna was worried. It was midnight and Horst wasn't home. She was afraid he might have lost her way. Sometimes his eyes would blank out and he would be lost to the world. He had told her he was living his waking nightmares then. He was usually back in Stalingrad, where he had lost all his men including some of his best friends and reliving the horrors he had seen. Out in the cold, shooting at the Russians and the Russians shooting back. Anna shuddered. She could not imagine what he had seen even though she tried to, so that she could sympathise with him. He had once told her while he had still been at Colditz that Stalingrad was perhaps where he had first started to feel that there were no rules in war. What he must have suffered to come to this conclusion, she could not imagine. The clock struck one and there was a ring at the door. She leapt up and ran to open the door. There was Horst standing there with a sheepish expression on his face and there was another man beside him, a thick, burly man with broad shoulders wearing glasses.

He shook her hand, 'I just thought I'd drop off your husband back home, Frau Mohn.' He began.

Anna was alarmed, 'Did he lose his way back home like last time?'

He took her aside, 'No, it wasn't that. We were playing pool when there was a sudden explosion outside. The main line for water burst suddenly and there was water everywhere on the street outside. He cowered and hid underneath the table and was still visibly shaken hours later. We gave him a touch of brandy, I know he doesn't drink but I couldn't think of what else to do and I thought I would drop him off myself. You should really seek a doctor's help, Frau Mohn.

'We have.' Anna told him sadly.

' Goodnight, or rather good morning, Frau and goodbye.'

Anna closed the door and sat besides Horst.

After a while he looked up sadly, 'I'm sorry, Anna.'

'It's not your fault, Horst.'

His hands were still shaking even when he clenched them up. She took them and kissed them and held him close. They were going to be fine, she kept telling herself. They were going to be fine, if she repeated it to herself several times, she might even start believing it.

                                                                                                ***

Anna came back home tired and exhausted to find dinner waiting for her. Horst was nowhere to be found and for a moment she panicked but saw him gently rocking Mhairi in the living room as she fell asleep. He went to her bedroom to put Mhairi in her little crib with the animal mobile hanging overhead. He had bought it for her when she was just a month old. It still jangled in the breeze and made a pleasant sound.

He kissed her forehead softly and gently laid her down.

'How did the interview go?' he asked Anna as he sat down at the table and watched her eat roasted chicken and peas in a hurry.

She shrugged, 'They said they'll let me know. They say the same every time but give the job to some man instead, as they say that the men need the jobs more. I won't take the job even if I get it, if it makes you unhappy.'

'No, it's fine. You can always leave it when I get a job.'

'Whatever you're happy with Horst.' She smiled in between chewing a mouthful of peas.

'I sent Frau Amsel away, there was no need for you to fuss and ask her to come. Mhairi and I played together and she spilled most of her mashed bananas on the table but I managed to get her to eat some. She said her first sentence today too. She said, "dada ooh dolly see".'

'I'm sorry I missed it.'

That night they lay in bed and Anna cuddled him and kissed him, while he stared at the ceiling deep in thought. Anna's eyes started closing and soon she was fast asleep with her head on his arm. She was woken up a couple of hours later by his tossing and turning.

'What time is it?'

'It's nearly 3 am. Go back to sleep, not yet time to get up.' Horst whispered to her.

'Horst are you awake?'

'Yes. I can't sleep.'

'You should take those pills the doctor prescribed for your insomnia.'

'They work but I get stomach cramps every time I take them. That doctor's probably a quack.'

'Or you just ate something that disagreed with you that day.' She put her arms around his chest and he felt her breath tickle his ear.

'Go to sleep, Anna.'

He closed his eyes while she tried to drift off back to sleep but she still heard him tossing and turning an hour later before she finally fell asleep. He was up and half dressed when she woke up. 

                                                                                                ***

She came home early to find Horst was reading one page of the newspaper, while the rest of the newspaper was lying on the floor which Mhairi was proceeding to tear up and put in her mouth.

'Horst, look what she's doing. ' Anna tried to prise open Mhairi's clenched fists to remove the half chewed sheets of newspaper. Mhairi started crying but quickly stopped as her mother let her chew the paper.  

'Horst,'

He looked up.

'You're back early.'

'It wasn't busy, so I left. I wanted to spend more time with you two. Also, one of our regulars, a middle aged, rich man hit on me. It was awkward so I thought I'd let the guys handle the customers for a while.'

'Should I be jealous?' Horst smiled as he went back to reading and circling bits of news on the piece of paper he was reading.

'He was drunk and his wife has just left him for a younger guy. He'd have hit on anything with two moving feet. The gossip you hear at the bar.' She shook her head and half laughed.

'Are you alright, Horst,' she asked. Horst was suddenly clenching his fists and screwing up his face as if he was in pain.

He nodded and pointed to his stomach. He got up and started pacing around to help ease the pain. He winced from time to time and had to bite his lips to keep from saying anything. Just at that moment, Mhairi got up to run towards her father and Horst gently pushed her away just as a fresh spasm hit his stomach and nearly made him bend double in pain.

Mhairi took a tumble over one of her toys and fell down and started crying again. Anna rushed to pick her up and tried to soothe her with a teddy bear.

After a couple of minutes, the spasms subsided and Horst took several deep breaths to try and calm himself down. His pulse was still racing and his body was still shaking.  

Horst went up to his daughter who was still crying on her mother's shoulder and refusing to play with her toys.

'Did I hurt my little angel?' Horst asked stretching his hands to take her in his arms. Mhairi nodded but readily jumped from her mother's arms to her father's. Horst sat down with his daughter in his lap.

'Bad dada, cry.' Mhairi said.

'I made you cry didn't I baby? I'm sorry.' Horst said kissing the tiny fists and the tiny feet in green slippers with bunnies on top. Mhairi pointed to her cheeks and Horst kissed them too. She started giggling and touching his nose and hair and planting wet kisses on his forehead and trying to say words which came out half gibberish but Horst still laughed at them.

Anna stared at them from the kitchen. She was supposed to get started on the dinner but she could not help watching the father-daughter duo bond. She smiled softly to herself. She felt a little jealous that Horst didn't love her as much as he loved Mhairi. He never said much about how he was feeling and whether he loved her. He was more often distant and silent, wrapped up in his own thoughts. She sighed, she knew he was facing the effects from the war and his prison experiences as the doctor had told her but sometimes she wished they could have a proper heart to heart, the way they used to before the war. He never spoke about anything that bothered him, anymore. She hoped he knew how much she loved him still and how much it broke her heart to watch him suffer in silence.

                                                                                                ***

They were putting up decorations for Mhairi's birthday.

'It feels only yesterday that we were worried about how we were going to get by and you were taking out your dresses to sell but it's been almost six months now.'

'Mrs. Amsel, our neighbour,  knows someone who does that sort of thing. Sells dresses and any other stuff for quite a margin and they have customers willing to buy it too. It started after the war when most of us were so poor we were selling everything we had just to buy dinner for the day. Now they've turned it into a proper underground business. Of course, they keep most of the profit for themselves but sometimes when you're desperate, you have to take what you can get. I didn't sell your medal you know.'

She looked at him with tears in her eyes.

'I just couldn't do it.'

She took the medal from the drawer and gave it back.

'I was taunted for my medals and the iron cross all the time I was in prison,' He looked at it and smiled sadly, 'I don't ever want to see it again.' He threw it in the dustbin and continued blowing up balloons.

'I want this to be the best birthday Mhairi's ever had.'

Anna giggled, 'She's three Horst and the last time she licked the icing with her tongue and fell asleep on the cake.'

'That was funny,' he chuckled.

'Not when you've spent an hour and a half slaving over the cake in the kitchen. This time, I just decided to get a store bought cake. So much easier.'

'Wise choice. Where is she?'

'Just taking a nap after lunch. She wouldn't go to sleep today, nearly drove me mad, kept talking and trying to climb out of the crib.'

'I was going to spring this on you as a surprise but I can't wait. I finally got a job after months of applying.'

'More great news.' She kissed him.

'Yes, Mrs. Mohn. The job is as a bank cashier and the pay's not so very good but it's a start and it means you can stop working the night shifts you hate so much.'

'We need to celebrate.' Anna had tears in her eyes again but this time with happiness.

She brought out two glasses of lemonade from the kitchen. 'To the future.' They toasted, clinking their glasses together and hugging each other.

Mhairi laughed and chuckled and pointed at the balloons and at the cake.

'Daddy look cake.' She said, 'Mama cake.'

They smiled at each other and beamed with pride as they looked at their daughter running around and opening the presents they had bought for her. There was a cloth doll with a very pretty pink dress that Anna had been sewing for over a year and there was a little wooden train engine that Horst had bought but Mhairi seemed more interested in playing with the boxes and the wrapping paper than with the toys. Dinner was a lively affair with Mhairi running around the house  after licking all the icing from the cake though Anna did manage to save a piece.

'Do you want some of it?' She asked Horst.

He shook his head. 'Can't take risks with my stomach. You have it. I have a present for you too.'

He went out of the room and brought out a radio and put it in the room and switched it on. It started playing light hearted melodies.

'Horst can we afford such luxuries?'

'I bought it from a second hand dealer. It wasn't very expensive. Besides we'll be earning a lot more from now on. Would you like to dance Mrs. M.'

'Of course Mr. M.'

Anna laughed and giggled and felt like a young girl as Horst spun her around. They danced slowly so that Horst's stomach would not pain him but they kept close to each other and Anna rested her head on his shoulder.

'Oh Horst, I'm so happy. I wish this happiness would last forever. I want nothing more.'

He kissed her forehead, 'It will Anna, I'm sure it will.'

Later that night as she was checking that all the doors and windows were locked she peeked inside the dustbin and retrieved Horst's medal. She looked at it for a minute fondly and then took it upstairs and locked it in a cupboard in Mhairi's room before going back to the bedroom where Horst was getting ready for bed.  She felt exhausted but happy and lay in bed for a long time afterwards unable to sleep thinking about the excitement of the evening. 

                                                                                                ***

'How is your new job coming along?' Anna asked Horst a week after as they sat having breakfast.

'Hmm...it's coming along well. The pay is good and I've always been good with numbers and money. The manager is annoying and pompous but nobody likes him.' Horst told her without glancing up from the newspaper.

'I was thinking, Mhairi's going to be starting school, soon.'

'She's three.'

'Nursery and then Kindergarten in nearly a year's time. She's growing up so fast,' Anna sighed.

'Well you cannot freeze her at one age forever Anna,'

'I know but if I could, Oh I would. I don't want her to grow up so soon,'

'I want her to grow up and start making decisions for herself such as what she eats for dinner. I had such a hard time making her eat vegetables because they are good for a child her age. She kept asking why she had to eat them with tears in her eyes. I almost told her she didn't have to eat vegetables at all if she didn't like them.'

'Oh Horst you didn't. You spoil her.'

'You make her eat dinner then. It's a Battle Royale. I swear commanding a battalion of troops is easier than looking after a child.'

'Oh, Horst, wouldn't you want to do it again? Mhairi needs a sibling. She'll be so lonely growing up all alone.'

'Anna, you want to keep going through all the sleepless nights and crying and changing nappies? No thank you. '

'But think of how much fun siblings are. You had them. You must remember.'

Horst winced at the thought of his childhood. It wasn't a subject that he liked to remember. Still he had been close to his siblings once and occasionally missed them, now that Bruno, Franz and Gretel were all dead.

'If that's what you want Anna.'

Anna kissed him on the forehead. 'Oh, yes Horst, that would be marvellous.'

He smiled at her and thought that grumble how much he would, secretly he wouldn't mind changing nappies again. A little boy or girl would be a perfect addition to their family.

Anna started spreading butter on her toast in a cheerful mood as the 8 am news bulletin played on the radio.

'Don't you think this was a good idea?' Anna kissed him, tasting his tongue in her mouth as they lay together sharing a single sheet.

'I'm warming up to the idea,' Horst smiled, the dimple in his cheek accentuating his looks.

They kissed again.

'You're so handsome,' she said messing up his hair and kissing his dimple, 'I love you so much.'

'Your turn Horst.'

'To say something romantic? I love the curve of your neck,' he said kissing it, 'I love your lips and your shoulders and your beautiful eyes. You are still very beautiful, Anna and I love how you are so very caring and protective of our daughter.'

'Oh Horst, you do know all the right things to say,' she giggled as she pulled him closer to her.

                                                                                                                ***

Three months later, suspecting a bout of food poisoning as morning sickness, Anna was overjoyed to learn from the doctor that she was expecting another child and was five weeks pregnant.

'Well, I told Mhairi and she says that she wants a younger sister she can take care of like her dolly.'

'I secretly want a boy, I've always wanted a boy, I know you want another little girl Horst, but to be honest, I'll just be glad if the baby is healthy. I'm not very young anymore but the doctor says that the pregnancy should be fine as long as we take precautions.' They sat discussing it over evening tea.

'Yes as long as you and the baby are happy and healthy,' he took her hand in his and squeezed it softly, 'I think we'll need to have a talk with Mhairi about where babies come from. She was asking me.'

Anna giggled as she sipped her tea and stretched her toes to stroke Horst's legs, 'What did you tell her,'

'I told her we got them from the store and that's where we got her and she had to behave and be a good girl otherwise we will take her back and give her to the supermarket lady.'

'Oh Horst you didn't.'

'The cheeky monkey told me that the supermarket lady won't take her because she saw there was a no return sign in one of the shops,'

Anna giggled again, 'I better tell her the correct version soon,'

'She's only three. She's going to ask the question again next year.' Horst shrugged.

'I'm so happy that our kids are going to grow up in a world without war, a world of peace. Aren't you?'

'A world without war and a world with peace are not the same thing. Germany is still divided into East and West and several countries are controlling parts of it. We may not have war, but we don't have peace.'

'Oh, Horst, stop poking holes in my happiness,' she kissed him as she cuddled with him on the sofa, 'Let's just enjoy what we have today.'

                                                                                                ***

Anna was walking down the street doing the shopping nearly two months later when she met Horst's manager walking out of the bank with a worried expression.

'Excuse me, Frau Mohn?' he waved.

'Yes?'

'I'm so glad I found you, I've been wanting to talk to you about your husband's job for a while now.'

'What about it?' Anna was polite but there was an imperceptible edge in her voice.  

'Your husband's not doing so well in his job. It's not that he's not good. It's just that he seems to take what his supervisor says with much more bad grace than the rest of them. The supervisor didn't know everyone's names for a long time and he didn't bother to learn so he would call them, cashier number 1 and cashier number 2. Your husband didn't like it and made it known very strongly that he didn't like it.'

'He's been in prison, where they would use numbers instead of names. I'm sure it's because of that.'

'Good, then he at least knows how my father suffered. He was sent to a concentration camp where they tattooed numbers on his arm, so did my mother and sister, I was sent to another camp and separated from the rest of my family. They didn't survive.'

'I'm sorry for what you faced during the war but I don't see how-?'

'Rumour is, your husband was on Hitler's personal staff, I bet he thought all Jews like me were vermin. I would have left this country but I still love it even though it treated me and my family with such bitter hatred.'

'That is not what he thought. You don't know what he thought. You can't assume that when you know nothing about him.'

'I think I know everything there is to know about people like him. I met a lot of them as guards in the camps where I was sent.'

'You can believe what you want, that doesn't make it true.' Anna took out her handkerchief and wiped her eyes gently. She was simmering with anger but managed to keep it under wraps.  

'I can say the same thing to you. Anyway, that was not what I wanted to talk to you about. He came to work for an hour and then suddenly left around 10 30 am and missed the whole day without any explanation or informing anyone, including me.'

'I'm sure there must have been a reasonable explanation. I'll talk to him. Please give him another chance.'

'I'll give him one last chance. You tell him if he pulls another stunt like that, he can look for another job. There are plenty of people who can do that job, he's not irreplaceable.' 

                                                                                                ***

It was the anniversary of their deaths. He had left work to visit the graveyard. He knew he should have told someone where he was going but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. He'd probably lose his job over it, but he would think about it when it came to that. This was the first time in months he had taken a day off anyway. He had been working hard at his job, eager to please the manager despite the fact that he did not get along with the supervisor.

 He stood for a while besides Hans and Fritz's graves, thinking about their deaths while the graveyard seemed to transform into an empty battlefield where pale, spectre like figures of the soldiers he had ever known walked in silence. The markings on the graves had faded quite a lot and wild overgrown weeds partially covered their resting places. He unconsciously touched his stomach where the scar was the only physical sign of his involvement in Stalingrad. Remembering the wound made him unconsciously wince in pain. He heard some footsteps behind him and rubbed his reddened eyes quickly and turned around. 

'Oh, it's you Mr. Carter. Do you like my company so much that you follow me wherever I go?'

'It's unusual to see you show so much emotion Major. I thought you didn't have any feelings.'

'Why are you here, Mr. Carter? I thought you haunted me enough while I was in prison? Mocking me on how the roles were finally reversed and I could see what it was like to be at the mercy of a handful of people, no I think tyrants was the word you used.'

'You dreamed me up,' Simon kicked a loose stone away, 'It seems you still have a lot of unresolved issues. Do you feel guilty of all the atrocities you've committed? Is your daughter going to grow up to be proud of who her father was?'

You leave her out of this,' Horst shouted angrily, causing a stray visitor or two to the other graves to turn round and glance at him. 

'I've paid my dues. Leave me alone.'

'That's what the wives of the soldiers you killed without a second glance will find comfort in as they tuck their children in bed each night, who never stop asking when their fathers are coming back from the war. Remember the soldiers who surrendered to your unit? You could have let them go, instead you had them shot out of hand. Remember how you were so eager to court martial anyone who annoyed you in Colditz and have them shot? Remember that boy Major? You knew he would be tortured yet you said nothing, imagine the grief his elderly parents must have felt. I bet they all thank you for that. Remember, Major. Remember everything for the rest of your miserable life. That's the only way you'll ever pay a fraction of what you've done.'

'That was the war. You have no idea what we faced at Stalingrad. Starvation, frostbite, lice, the men under my command who were desperate and frightened. I did what I had to. There are no rules in the war if you want to win.'

'What did you win Major?'

There was a long silence in which Horst stared ahead trying to fight back the tears in his eyes. He didn't know how long he had been sitting there on the bench in the graveyard. He looked up to see that the only indication of the sun in the clear blue sky an hour ago were the long, thin red tentacles which were looking beautiful in the darkening sky. When he got up, his hands were still shaking and his cheeks were wet. He glanced back and saw Hans, Fritz, Heinrich, Bruno and Franz all standing there with bowed heads as if they were ashamed of everything he had done too.

Anyone who might have been watching him would have been surprised to see a sudden change. It was a middle aged man who came to the graveyard to lay flowers at his friend's graves. It was someone who walked with an old man's gait, hunched shoulders and a drooped head who went back.

Horst, what's the matter?' Anna asked when he came back.

He just stared into the distance for several hours while she kept the dinner hot and sat beside him, waiting, watching, praying and abandoning hope and then hoping for a miracle all in turns.   

'Horst why were you not at your job yesterday?'

'It was the anniversary of their deaths, Anna. Hans and Fritz. It's been 15 years since their death. I had to lay flowers at their graves.'

'The bank manager says you were gone for nearly a whole day. You've been missing too much work. He's threatening to fire you. What's going on Horst?'

'Nothing.'

'Why won't you tell me? Why won't you tell me anything anymore?'

'Because it is none of your business.' Horst snapped back, 'Look I'm sorry Anna, I'm dealing with it. I won't miss another day off from work, alright?'

'This is not the kind of stress I need right now, what with the baby coming.'

'Horst, where are you going?' she asked as he got ready to go out.

'Somewhere that's not here.' He said putting on his coat and turning its collars down and slamming the door.

                                                                                                ***

Anna knew something  was wrong when at five months pregnant the baby wasn't kicking as it should have been. She went to the doctor who assured her everything was alright. A week later and she found blood and brown discharge. She called Horst and he took her to the hospital immediately where, at 22 weeks, she delivered a stillborn baby boy.

Anna was inconsolable for weeks afterwards. Nothing Horst said made a difference. She barely ate her dinner, kept crying most of the time, slept two or three hours a day though she lay in bed quite a lot. She rarely spoke to him and started drinking. She was never much of drinker herself but now she would go through a whole bottle by herself during the day. She didn't have many friends or any family who could come to visit. Even Mhairi looked forlorn as she watched her mother lay in bed all day. She didn't understand what was going on but she missed her mother and would hang around her bed all day, giving Anna her toys to play with to make her feel better. If Horst would take her away she would cry and scream. After a few months she started getting up and going back to her job but she still kept drinking and there seemed to be walls between Anna and Horst that each had built and that each was not willing to break to share their feelings with each other. Anna thought Horst didn't understand how it felt like losing your child but Horst was grieving too in his own way. He was silent and moody and rarely smiled. It was on his mind too but he was busy with his job and taking care of Mhairi and the house while Anna tried to recover.

He knew it would take some time. Anna had wanted this child so badly and it was heartbreaking to lose him and to see her like that. They hadn't even thought of a name for the child.

Two years had passed in between. Their arguments had steadily been getting worse and they were arguing over the smallest of things. Horst came home from work one day to find that Anna wasn't in the mood to prepare dinner. After a while she came to him and asked him to have dinner which she had prepared reluctantly.  

'No, I'm not hungry Anna. You can eat.'

Anna burst out at him, 'You have no idea what I've been through this whole year, otherwise you won't say such things.'

'No idea? I was there. I lost a child too, you seem to forget.'

'It's not the same. Besides you seem to be in a world of your own, you're too involved in your job. You won't share anything with me, how am I supposed to know what you're feeling?'

'You're drinking too much, you've been neglecting Mhairi, who actually needs our support right now.'

'Horst don't talk to me about responsibilities. In the first year of Mhairi's life you were barely involved.  You would have nightmares and be lost for hours on end in your reveries during the day, you barely noticed that there were other people in the house besides you. Even now, you just come home for a few hours and go back to your bank manager job.'

'Is it any wonder that I do? When the house is like that and we're always fighting.'

'Horst,' Anna placed her head on the crook of his arm, 'Please.'

'Leave me alone Anna,'

'Horst,' Anna was sobbing hysterically.

'I said leave me alone,' he shouted.

Mhairi who was colouring in her book, pricked up her ears and heard her parents fight. She saw her mother hide her tear stained face and rush to the bathroom to cry. Afterwards Anna would pick up the bottle and pour herself a drink or two till it was time for bed. Today she emptied the half bottle that was left in the kitchen.

Horst knew he should have not shouted like that. He was beginning to regret it. But his pride wouldn't let him apologise. The walls between them were too high. They didn't love each other anymore. They pretended to be a happy family but they were not happy and Horst couldn't remember the last time he had thought that they were a family. His stomach shot up in spasms of pain and he closed his eyes and winced in pain. The physical pain was a welcome relief from the mental exhaustion he had been feeling for days. He didn't think he could go on much longer anymore. The gun in his drawer seemed to be a tempting way out. It wasn't the first time he had thought of suicide too. If it wasn’t for Mhairi he would have done it. He couldn't do it to her. She was all he had. She was his whole universe. Horst sighed and tossed around on his side of the bed all night. Anna's side of the bed was empty.  

                                                                                                ***

 "I'm leaving Horst."

Horst stopped mid-breath.

"I'm leaving, and I'm taking Mhairi with me." Anna reiterated.

The world spun for a minute. "Leaving?" He could not quite believe it. "Why?"

"Because I can't take this anymore. I can't keep going. We're not a family anymore. I need some time away to see how I feel about us. I need some time to grieve about our son."

"But... Anna..."

"No buts." She sighed. "I'm sorry, maybe if things were different we could try again but-"

"I'll make them different. I'll try harder to get better, I'll be more affectionate, I promise. We'll work through our problems. I'll help you get through our son's death. Just... please, don't-"

"No Horst. I'm sorry, I know you've tried, you've been a better father than I could've hoped for."

"Anna, please..."

"You can see her, maybe visits if you can get better."

"Come on Anna, we can't end like this. I'm sorry, I'll be better, I'll be better to you, to Mhairi."

"I've made up my mind Horst, I'm sorry." She kissed his cheeks, he hadn't even realized he was crying. "I have to go, Mhairi's waiting for me."

"Anna-" She turned at the door.

"I'll be in touch."

"No, Anna please!" He ran to the door but she was already walking away and growing smaller in the distance.

"Anna, please! I love you..." he shut the door and sank down on it. "I need you..."

The sobs started in earnest, his stomach cramped, his shoulder ached and he could barely breathe. Somehow his gaze fell on the bottle, the one he found under the sink, the one Anna left there half empty after drinking it. He had not touched a drop in years, he could not. His shaking hand found a tumbler and filled it. The familiar burn was something he had missed. It was not bad really, certainly too good to be drunk for the purposes of forgetting but it was all he had.

He poured another one, this one fuller. Was it his 3rd or his 4th when his stomach started cramping? He staggered to the bathroom just in time to spew his guts into the toilet bowl. He was crying again when he was done. The voices in his mind whirled around like the room.

"Look at you." They said. "Pathetic, useless, weak, cry baby. No wonder she left you. Your daughter could come back any time but you insisted on downing a few glasses of booze first."

"I'm sorry!" He gasped.

"No you're not. You're weak and pathetic, you don't deserve them. This is exactly what your Daddy would do isn't it? Go out and drown his sorrows. You don't think he deserved children, why do you?"

"I'm sorry, I tried."

"You didn't try hard enough did you? You just sat there, feeling sorry for yourself whilst your wife fell apart. They deserve better than scum like you."

They carried on for hours, fading at some point to be replaced with a crushing headache and stomach cramps that rivalled the ones he had after the operation. He called in sick, not really caring or hearing what the Secretary said. 

"Now what Major?" Horst turned to see Simon there. "No wife, no daughter, nowhere to turn. What are you going to do?"

"Shut up!" Horst snarled. "You're not real."

"Aren't I Major? How do you know what's real anymore? You had your chances, your family. A future of soaring kites and clear blue skies, and you blew it. You had your imaginarium, a dream emporium. What came  
of it Major?"

"I know you're not real because Simon Carter doesn't care for philosophy."

Carter's face darkened. "Perhaps I'm not. But is this?"

The images of Stalingrad hit him harder than the cold of it. The bayonet, the guns, the blood. The screams of anti-aircraft guns in Crete, gas pellets in Belgium, the court martial, Carter insisting he be sentenced to death, the solitary confinement, the bloody mess he'd been when-

"Daddy?"

Horst looked up, Simon was gone. 

"Daddy, Mummy said we weren't going to live here anymore. Do you know wh-" She cut off. "Why do you have a gun Daddy?"

Horst doesn't know why, he didn't remember having it.

"You're sad I'm not going to live here anymore aren't you? Is that why you have the gun?"

"Of course not sweetheart." Horst found his voice. Mhairi moved towards him in her favourite dress, the one he got for her. 

"Do you not want to see me Daddy?"

"Of course I do my love." But he was backing away, he did not know why. Why should a young girl with a mass of black hair be frightening? 

"I don't mind Daddy." She took hold of his hand, steadying the gun Horst did not remember raising to his temple. "I want you to be happy."

"I'm happy with you my love." Horst said, truthfully. Mhairi's hand was insistent.

"Hans and Fritz are waiting for you."

"They won't be-" he looked at her, "how do you know about Hans and-"

"Horst! I'm back." Anna's voice called. "They actually had some chocolate today, not bad either."

Horst jerked, whipping his head. Simon held him fast, a hand either side of his head. Mhairi smiled, shifting her hands on the gun.  "Just relax Daddy."

"Horst? Have you seen Mhairi's-" Anna walked in to see him curled by the bed.  "Horst, what are you-"

"They made me do it."

The gunshot was heard three streets away.


End file.
